By Anne Gagliano
Young men—listen up. Old dogs, you too; you can still learn new tricks if you haven’t yet learned this one. Words are very powerful to women; in fact, most women would say that words are their emotional ‘currency.’ For me, personally, words have the power to make or break me. And no one’s words have more effect on me than my husband’s; I deem his to be the most impactful of all. Mike can wound me with a mere utterance, wounds that can last for hours or even days. But he also has the power to heal me with these two simple yet mighty words: I’m sorry.
Most of my columns have been directed at the wives of firefighters as I try to give them advice on how to be a good firefighter’s wife. But this one’s for you, husbands, and the words for this column come directly from my firefighter husband himself. I keep all the notes he writes to me, the little love notes that he leaves in the morning before he heads to work. He leaves them because he knows how much I cherish them; they mean more to me than flowers or even chocolates (though these tokens are always welcome too!) In the notes, Mike writes of loving affection, appreciation, and praise. But the most memorable of all the notes he’s ever left me is the one you see pictured in the photograph above. Mike was only 26 when he wrote this, but the wisdom encapsulated on that spiral notebook page is well beyond his years. If any of you wonder why we’ve been so happily married for so long within a profession that is brutal on relationships, this note will help you to understand one of the reasons why:
I’m Sorry’s
As I was thinking of you the other day, a few “I’m sorry’s” came to mind…
I’m sorry if I ever give you the slightest inkling that I’m unhappy that I married you. It’s the best decision of my life.
I’m sorry if I have ever been cruel at times, it is meaningless, but undeserved on your part.
I’m sorry if I have made money or job remarks, as all we have, we have because of each other. Your job (stay-at-home mom) is more important than mine will ever be.
I’m sorry if I’ve been insensitive at times; no amount of distraction should hinder me from tending to your needs.
There are more I’m sure, these are just a few—I’m sorry, forgive me…I love you. Mike
This note still has the power to move me. I choke up every time I read it. There is nothing more humbling than apologizing, than admitting you’re wrong and having the courage to say so. Apologies only work if they are sincere; grudging acquiescence simply won’t do. And there is nothing more appealing to a woman than a man who is strong enough to admit when he’s wrong.
The number one cause for divorce in America, within any profession, is poor communication. I believe, as do many experts, this is largely due to the fact that men and women have such different needs in this area. Women like to talk a lot, most men do not. Women put major emphasis on words; men tend to value actions above words. And underlying these differences tends to be a general lack of ability or willingness to reconcile them. Women become frustrated with their husbands when they won’t say the things they want to hear or when they do say the things they don’t want to hear. Men get frustrated when their wives seem to get so easily offended by their words and they can’t seem to understand why this is so; they just assume that their actions should speak louder than their words.
Enter the words, ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I’m Sorry’ covers a multitude of sins. It makes up for the unintended, for the mistakes, for the careless use of words. It bridges the gaps between the sexes like nothing else can. It is an admittance of, “I don’t quite get it, but I do know that I’ve hurt you, and I certainly didn’t mean to.” It says, “I hear you; I care how you feel; I never want to be the source of your pain.” And this goes a long way in a marriage.
It amuses me that the issues covered in Mike’s note of so long ago are pretty much the same issues we still struggle with today; insensitivity, harshness, lack of appreciation, etc. In fact, I’ll wager that these issues are universal to all marriages, and that’s why I’m willing to make public such a personal, private note. This note didn’t fix all future marital spats—just the ones of that day. But it is an example of a perfect apology that stands the test of time, and it blesses my heart to know it exists, that I have in writing evidence of my husband’s appreciation for me. The power of this apology is due to the nature of it; he apologized for the words he’d misspoken, which is the arena in which I am most easily hurt. This humble note is a word-picture of a man reaching out in humble contrition to atone for his mistakes, and it is beautifully effective. All is forgiven, all is forgotten, and a loving relationship grows even stronger.
We still argue, we still fight, but we always reconcile with the aid of the words I’m sorry. Learn from Mike’s example on how to apologize with true remorse, ask for forgiveness and mean it. I can assure you that he has done this many times over the years, and it is one of the primary reasons that we, to this day, have had a happy and peaceful marriage, for sincere apologies are contagious; they’ve inspired me to do the same, over and over again.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
