By Anne Gagliano
1) Firefighter: Honey, please don’t expect long conversations when I first walk in the door after a tough shift of firefighting. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. I do. I just need a little time to decompress, to rest, and to recover from what may have been a very long and challenging night. It would mean the world to me if you would understand this and not get offended. Later, I’ll feel more like talking.
2) Spouse: Honey, please don’t treat me like a firefighter. I do not like harsh, abrupt answers or rough, gallows humor. As the wise King Solomon once said, “A harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) If you’re harsh with me, don’t be surprised if I get angry or even hurt. I know these types of behaviors are a result of the tough world you work in and they are normal, coping mechanisms. But please try to be careful to shift gears upon returning home so that home can remain a soft place to land.
3) Firefighter: Honey, please don’t have an extra-long list of chores for me because I have more days off than the average worker. I need those days to recover from sleep deprivation that can result from the 24-hour shift. I also need some time to work out so that I can stay fit, which will protect me from injury. My days off should not be all filled up, for this is not how they are intended to be spent; they are meant to help me be able to do my job safely and effectively. My “honey do” list should be the same length as any other spouse’s.
4) Spouse: Honey, please don’t keep your traumatic experiences from me. If you’ve had a rough shift, tell me about it. Share with me what you can (sparing me the explicit details) so that I can know why you’re sad or irritable. Otherwise, I’ll think you’re either mad at me or unhappy with me for some unknown reason. I can’t help but pick up on your mood. I realize you believe withholding your experiences protects me from the unpleasant realities you must face, but the truth is, it’s better for me to know what’s bothering you. I’d rather know than not know. I can then better understand your mood and will give you not only some slack but some comfort as well. If you’re hurting, I’m hurting. I want to help. Let me help.
5) Firefighter: Honey, please don’t forget to give me lots of encouragement. My job can be very depressing; I need to hear the good stuff from you. If all you do is harp and criticize, I won’t be able to handle the massive stresses of being a first responder. As the wise King Solomon once said, “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.”(Proverbs 21:9) I really need home to be a place of peace and support; with you in my corner, I can achieve great things.
6) Spouse: Honey, please don’t disconnect from me emotionally and then expect me to connect with you physically. Intimacy, for me, requires affection, warmth, and tender conversation. I know trauma can cause a person to withdraw; it’s a defense mechanism. But you cannot withdraw from me, for it will cause distance to grow between us. Share with me your thoughts and feelings; make the effort to stay close, and I will desire you more. Affection is the key to my arousal.
7) Firefighter: Honey, please don’t get frustrated with me if I’m tired at home and appear to be just “sitting around.” Even if I’m not sleep deprived, the effects of adrenaline alone can be completely draining. Going on a run (which means facing possible danger) floods the body with every source of energy available, burning these fuels at a very rapid pace. Everything’s amped up to full potential, to be ready to face the dragon if need be. The after-effect is “backlash,” in which the body literally shuts down to rebuild the energy depleted. Even if I didn’t actually fight a fire, the calls alone take their toll. Physically, I come home to you completely exhausted, for this is what adrenaline surges do to the body. Please understand this, and don’t think I’m lazy.
8) Spouse: Honey, please don’t spend too much time with your firefighter buddies off shift. I know you develop tight friendships that can make you feel like a family. But I am your family; I need you to spend most of your play time with me. I want to be your very best friend; please put me first.
9) Firefighter: Honey, please don’t ever underestimate my need for you. You’re the best source of strength, encouragement, and support I have. I need your love; without it, I would not be able to do what I do.
10) Spouse: Honey, please don’t ever forget how much I admire, appreciate, and respect you. You save lives for a living, which is the highest, most noble calling of all. Without you, our society would collapse. You’re the communities’ hero, and know this: You’re my hero, too!
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 26 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
