By Anne Gagliano
We all do it: peek over the fence. We wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, someone younger, someone new. We fantasize about the perfect seduction, the perfect rendezvous, the secret tryst. There is no harm intended, just a desire for a little spice, a little excitement, a little variety. Men tend to long for the pursuit; women tend to long to be pursued. We don’t just shut down sexually when we marry; often the opposite occurs, as our sexual appetites are awakened by true love. We can’t help but look on desirable people, as our culture is absolutely inundated with explicit sexual images and innuendos in commercials, television shows, and movies. Even pornography is now available at the touch of a finger through our home computers. Temptation is all around us.
Affairs are on the rise in our country. Sadly, statistics show that 25 percent of married men cheat and 17 percent of married women cheat. Married people cheat more often than unmarried people do. There are no exempt groups ethnically, economically, or religiously; the statistics for affairs go across the board and are equal to all.
How do extramarital affairs begin? The majority of affairs begin by being “just friends.” These friends are often your or your spouse’s best friends. The affairs can begin at work with coworkers. They can even begin with a family member (i.e., your spouse’s sibling.) This person is someone you can talk to, someone who is sympathetic to your needs or feelings and is willing to do all to fulfill them. Affairs are rarely just about sex; there is generally some kind of emotional bond as well. The lover is often less attractive than the spouse; it is simply the allure, the fantasy, the escape from reality that is the main draw. People caught up in such affairs rarely intend to deliberately harm their spouse, and they don’t typically even want a divorce; they have just become completely absorbed in their own selfish desires.
But here’s the reality of an affair: Infidelity wreaks havoc on the wronged spouse, causing unbearable emotional pain, mental trauma, and absolute devastation. Victimized spouses blame themselves, lose self-confidence, and can even come to mistrust all people for life. As much as 95 percent of marriages will end in divorce as a result of that “little fling,” and even those that survive are never the same; they are reported as being blah, empty, and always on the verge of ending.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and once that trust is shattered it is nearly impossible to repair. Instead of intimacy, you now have heartbreak, anger, and insecurity. Where you once had friendship, you now have animosity. The shattered spouse often spirals down into deep depression, addiction, and identity crisis, which can include sexual dysfunction. Is this really what you want to do to the ones you love–completely destroy them? Risk their health and happiness? Cause them grief from which they may never recover? The ripple effect of infidelity spreads even further, impacting finances through divorce and the ultimate victims, the ones who pick up the tab—the children.
There are consequences for our actions. For those who think they can “get away with it,” know this: 89 percent of the cheated spouses sensed the affair; they could tell that their spouse was lying, and once the lying starts, trust breaks down, and this typically is the beginning of the end of the marriage. It takes tremendous energy, effort, and planning to deceive someone. Why not pour all that passion into the one who already loves you? Take all those resources and invest them in the sure win—your family.
We all have needs, very powerful needs. If your marriage is not fulfilling those needs, then talk about it. Get help. You’ll never find complete satisfaction in deception; there is always a price to be paid. Marriage is a complex relationship, the most intricate on the face of the earth. It takes skill to make it good, not just good intentions. Men and women are different, and they have different needs; you must communicate to discover what they are, then make every effort to fulfill them. Don’t go looking elsewhere, for it will ultimately just be more of the same, for no one can be the “fantasy” forever. Reality will always come crashing down eventually.
My husband Mike and I have a little trick that we use whenever we are confronted with the impulse to cheat; we picture each other’s face on hearing the news of our infidelity. Just imagining the shattered look on that precious face that we so love is enough to deter us, as the thought of causing such heartbreak to one another is more than we could bear. The pain is not worth the fleeting pleasure.
The secret to a happy marriage is no secret, it is no mystery; it is completely knowable to all. Two people don’t just magically happen to find each other with all the right, perfect ingredients that somehow combine to create success. Trust, openness, and communication—these are the answers. With trust, you can tell each other your deepest needs, then be sure that your partner will fulfill them. If you lie, if you cheat, if you keep your thoughts to yourself, trust is never formed, and needs can be neither communicated nor fulfilled. Semper Fidelis, or “Semper Fi” as the U.S. Marines say, means “always faithful” or “always loyal,” and it should be the motto for every marriage. Without faithfulness, there is no trust; and without trust, marriage will not last. Forsake all others; be loyal and trustworthy, as only in an atmosphere of trust will your marriage be passionate, alive, and mutually satisfying.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
