Heroes on the Home Front
As first responders report for duty with the expectation to respond to every call or crisis for the day, it is the heroes on the home front who repeatedly and silently avert so many unspoken calls, crises, and fires at home, but they do so alone!
It is true that first responders have long shift hours, overtime, or second jobs, with the intent to provide their family with a good life. What is not acknowledged is the correlation of how increased hours of work can result in an increase of cumulative stress. This cumulative stress begins to build at a faster rate than the emergency responder can often recognize. Sadly, it is the heroes at home who silently know it, feel it, predict it, and suffer alone in the escalation of maladaptive self-sabotaging behaviors they begin to see in their partners from cumulative stress or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Simultaneously, the cumulative stress can also build on the heroes at home. Many of them work full-time jobs, tend to household chores, parent and protect their children, shuttle kids to and from extracurriculars, attempt to meet their spouse’s needs, and balance their own professional and personal roles. But, when first responders are in a place of burnout or compassion fatigue, they may begin to micromanage, be critical, and ridicule how things were handled at home while they were away. The spouses may often feel an unspoken tone or pressure of “not being enough or ever able to do enough.”
Days, weeks, months, and years of silent service and support may be inadvertently overlooked, unappreciated, or even minimized by their partner. These same spouses at home also attempt to work tirelessly on themselves, their marriages, and their families but do so without any recognition of a uniform, badge, title, rank, or reward.
Nick Halmasy referenced the first responder family as being the “silent victims” to PTSD. I absolutely agree that our families can be victims without awareness and accountability. Both cumulative stress and secondary trauma do bleed onto our marriages and families, without a doubt. I would say it can be described, when it’s at its worst, as feeling as though you must walk on eggshells, being treated as a subordinate or a rookie within your own home. It can smell and taste like alcohol, and it can be daydreaming of having your basic needs met such as acceptance, empathy, and connection. Ouch. Right? (The reality is a bit harsh and direct, but it’s necessary so that our heroes on the home front are reassured that they are not alone.)
As a result of secondary traumatic stress, just like the first responders, the spouses are affected, too. They, too, can start turning to maladaptive coping and start experiencing symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and anger. Negative thoughts and perceptions of their spouse or marriage may manifest into feelings of resentment or disrespect. One or both spouses may spiral into addiction; develop negative core beliefs; experience thought distortions; and lack boundaries, balance, and overall life satisfaction. A once-beloved couple can find themselves battling with each other instead of recognizing the culprit of cumulative stress.
Neither partner is at fault for how trauma rears its ugly head in a relationship. However, that doesn’t exclude them from being accountable to it either. How you actively address it, manage it, and commit to applying new and adaptive resources is crucial. Avoid self-sabotaging behaviors such as avoidance, denial, and projection. Instead, be courageous enough to move into a place of introspection.
Begin by asking yourself the real and tough questions: What am I trying to avoid? How am I currently choosing to cope? What am I not communicating with my spouse? What am I turning to instead of my spouse? What help or counseling may I need to seek? What skill sets can I learn to move from the problem to the solution? What changes can I begin to make within myself that may positively and inadvertently affect my spouse or family?
In short, as a couple, you should actively move toward having an open and honest dialogue on how you both feel, what needs are currently unmet, and what actions you each are committed to taking. This conversation should happen often and be met with validations, active listening skills, kindness, and support of both partners. The objective is to be accountable for each of your own hurts, healing, and actions toward adaptive coping as you combat the negative effects of cumulative stress and secondary trauma that can sometimes rain on your marriage.
As a spouse of an emergency responder, a first responder therapist, and a mother, I’d like to thank you heroes on the home front for your silent service and support that may go unnoticed, for the strength it takes to continuously complete tasks alone at times, and the courage it takes to remain in a first responder marriage. May your marriage be blessed with resiliency, adaptive coping, passion, and fun and always approached as an adventure.
Lona Snell, MEd, LPC
Owner
Grace & Guidance Wellness
