Healthy communication is central to a good marriage. When it is unhealthy, it can lead to divorce. One of the primary reasons Mike and I are still happily married after 25 years is the fact that we have a very communicative relationship. But this doesn’t just happen; it takes thought, effort, and sacrifice and a little thing I’ve dubbed “re-entry time.” When asked, Mike will tell you how much he cherishes this gift that I give to him. What is it? I’ve defined re-entry time as this: giving your firefighter time to decompress, free of chatter or 20 questions, on first returning from the combat zone of firefighting to the civilian life known as “home.” It’s as simple as that, though it is much easier said than done. It has taken us 25 years to master this art although, sometimes still, re-entry time can go awry. But for the most part, I’ve gotten it down pat. I believe re-entry time is especially significant for the firefighter marriage because of the extreme demands of this career.
From Anne and Mike Gagliano: Challenges of the Firefighter Marriage
With Paul Combs: Relationships by Fire 2020 Calendar
As I have written before, firefighting is unique among professions, primarily for its exposure to danger. It is a high-stress, adrenaline-packed job. When one is confronted with danger, adrenaline surges into the body (along with as many as 30 other hormones) to prepare the body for “fight or flight” to survive. Consequently, your firefighter may come home to you in either one of two conditions: still full of adrenaline or completely exhausted and drained of all energy. Being either one–amped up and agitated or drained and ambivalent–can make one incapable of having a fruitful and meaningful conversation. When full of adrenaline, a firefighter can still be in full “fight or flight” mode and might actually see a brisk round of 20 questions as a threat. He may then be overly aggressive or harsh in his responses (unintentionally of course), which can result in a hurt and offended wife. Or, conversely, a drained firefighter may be so uninterested in your questions or friendly attempts at conversation that the same result can occur–a hurt and offended wife. I know this from personal experience. This is how re-entry time was born–from the conflicts that arose when different dispositions and job demands met at the front door.
many words and questions. His disposition, or nature, is to express his joy at seeing me with a hug and very
few words and questions. It is hard to suppress our natures, especially when fatigued. According to Dr. Luan Brizendine in her book
The Female Brain, women speak
three times as much as men. The results of a study done on more than 1,000 subjects showed that the average woman says 20,000 words a day; the average man, 7,000. The study went on to reveal that a woman’s brain is wired to talk more, and that women actually experience a “rush” similar to that of heroin addicts from the flood of chemicals released into the brain while talking. Men do not. Dr. Brizendine was reluctant to publish these results, as it is politically incorrect to believe that men and women are truly distinct, not just conditioned by society to be so. But science doesn’t lie. The research done on male and female brains reveals obvious physiological variances in the areas of the brain devoted to speech and the processing of emotion. Vive la difference! I think anyone who has been married for more than a year can tell you of these inherent differences.
Part of the “dance” of marriage is learning to give and take, to meet each other’s needs, though they may be contrary to our own. Mike needs peace and quiet when he first arrives home; the last thing he wants when he’s wiped out from a 24-hour shift is a long conversation. He needs time to rest, relax, and recover. I give this to him, gladly. Then later, when he’s rested, he gives me what I need–conversation, and this he gives me gladly. But my willingness to wait awhile to get what I want has made all the difference. He is so grateful for re-entry time that he lavishes me with long phone calls from work and details, details, details about his world, after a bit of time off.
A good marriage requires effort, planning, and engineering, especially in the arts of communication, where men and women’s differences are the most prevalent. G.K. Chesterton says, “…the greatest feat of engineering in human history is the bridge that has been built between man and woman.” Build your bridge, don’t burn it. Keep your love alive by knowing your differences and working with them, not against them. It is so very worth it to get to the other side. Re-entry time is a great place to start.
BIO: Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
