By Anne Gagliano
Being needed is a compelling force: needed to save lives, needed to help deserving co-firefighters, and needed because you’re excellent at something—and this brings a sense of pride. Firefighter couples can find themselves grappling with this force when it begins to call a firefighter away from his home too much, infringing on his first love, his first family. Boundaries must be set between the two families; if they are not, and a firefighter begins to neglect his wife and kids, then be prepared for the consequences—losing your first family to the second one. And be real, firefighters: As compelling as your firefighter family may be, you can’t live with them 24/7, and you will, eventually, have to retire.
To keep “us” first, my firefighter husband Mike and I have done the following things over the years (continued from “Keep Your First Family First, Part 1”):
3. Give up the extras. This applies to both the firefighter and the firefighter spouse. Firefighter, if you want to take on that compelling extra work project, cut back on time with the crew off duty and/or give up a hobby or two. Mike quit some real sports teams and some fantasy ones along the way to make room, as time with me was not going to be the cost of doing business. It was hard for him to give up the “fun” stuff, but time with me is fun too. And it’s hard for me to have to be “the bad guy” in asking for these types of sacrifices—but we both believe it’s never a “bad” thing to fight for your marriage.
And if you don’t want your firefighter working two or three jobs because you’re drifting apart as a couple then, firefighter spouse, you may have to give up those extra dollars. I’ve had to ask myself many times over the years if I’m compelling my husband to work every overtime because I’m griping about money. If it’s all about “the toys,” marriage and family may start to feel second. Working every available overtime, second jobs—third jobs—ask yourselves, firefighter couple, is it really worth it? Those toys aren’t much fun when divided in divorce.
Live without the extras—extra play, extra money, extra achievement. If your marriage is your top priority, you don’t need the extras. Mike’s choosing time with me over expensive toys or hobbies makes me feel first.
4. Say “no” more often. This has been an interesting phenomenon we’ve discovered through our long experience as a firefighter couple: The more he says “no,” the more I say “yes.” How does this work? Because of the aforementioned tips, my firefighter now routinely runs every possible activity or project by me first. And he has learned from this to say no if it comes at too high a price—which is even more time away from me (or the kids, when they were home). He has said no to promotions, to extra income, even to many social outings with the crew. In fact, he became so good at saying no that my trust in his discretion and obvious deference to me flourished.
In the early days, his knee-jerk reaction was always yes, and my knee-jerk reaction was always no. But with healthy conversation, sacrifice, and balance, the opposite has come to pass. He gets lots of “yes” answers from me now, wholehearted ones, confident ones, because his “no” answers have made me feel first.
5. Time invested in the kids keeps the marriage strong. Many studies by psychologists and marital counselors have proven that the more a man is involved in childcare, the better his wife feels about the marriage. And I would heartily concur. Mike never sacrificed our children on the altar of his career, and this is a hard thing for an ambitious man to do.
He deliberately chose not to become an officer until our boys were nearly graduated from high school because he knew this would take him away too much. He was there to coach the boys’ teams, to volunteer at their schools, and to give them guidance all throughout their teen years. His presence kept them on the straight and narrow; they never got into any trouble. They went on to college with academic and leadership scholarships. It was only once they were firmly on their way that he chose to promote.
He sacrificed his own hobbies to help the boys find their talents, and this devotion to them communicated his love for me. I never had to feel like a “single parent,” which is a common complaint in the fire world. He met one of my deepest needs by being an excellent father. His time with our children made me feel first.
6. Do fun stuff together. Because firefighters are active, athletic, and thrill seeking by nature, the firehouse is a major draw—because that’s where the “fun” people are. On duty, off duty—firefighters just want to have fun. They see some pretty grim stuff, and play is a healthy way to combat that stress. If home is no fun, then the firehouse may be a more desirable, even irresistible, place to be. The scales then tip in favor of the second family.
To maintain my status as number one, I’m determined to be just as good a “playmate” as the firefighters. Mike and I do fun stuff all the time. And the more fun I try to be, the more he’d rather be with me than anyone else. We laughed and played and found fun activities we both enjoyed when we were dating, and who says it has to end after the wedding? (For more tips on finding activities, see my previous column “Do Stuff Together.”)
Play is very important to high-stress workers, especially to men, as it is typically listed as one of their top marital needs. Make an effort to have fun as a couple. Firefighter: Make sure you let your spouse be your best friend. The more Mike has sought me out as a companion, the less I have resented his time spent with the crew. In fact, I encourage it. Their close bonds improve morale—and morale brings courage, confidence, and enthusiasm to the firehouse. This keeps my firefighter not only happier but safer. But his willingness to ultimately spend more time “playing” with me than with them has made me feel first.
The firefighter has the unique blessing of having two families; most professions do not. The second family will be there like no other in a firefighter’s darkest hours–not only his, but his family’s. Fire spouse, know that if your house should ever catch fire or your child is ever hurt, your firefighter family will practically drive people off the road to get to you. Their devotion to one another is absolutely, hands down, one of the major perks of the job. It is a blessing; let it be a blessing and not a curse by finding that elusive balance between the two. You can have both, but only if you always strive to keep your first family first. Have that conversation as a couple, and find out what works best for you, what makes your spouse feel first.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 30 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
