By Anne Gagliano
I guess you could say that this is part four of the “Vive la Difference” columns, but sex is such a vast and appealing topic that I felt it warranted its own title. I’ve been writing of the differences between the male and female brain, differences that married couples have observed to be amusing, intriguing, and–let’s be honest—even irritating at times. Men and women are unique from one another in ways that can often be incompatible but can also be incredibly complimentary when viewed as such. The multitasking, sensitive female brain is beautifully offset by the less emotional, more focused male brain. And the conflict-avoiding, more easily frightened female can feel protected by her aggressive, less fearful husband. But the connection between men and women must begin somewhere for all of these other differences to be discovered and appreciated and, let’s face it, we all know where that initial connection begins—sex.
As stated in a previous column, when it comes to emotion, a woman’s brain is like an eight-lane superhighway—a man’s, a country dirt road. But when it comes to sex, we see the opposite; in this arena, a woman’s brain is like a tiny little airstrip, whereas a man’s sex brain is like Atlanta International Airport, which boards more than 45 million passengers a year!
The brain space devoted to sex drive and aggression is two and a half times bigger in a man’s brain than in a woman’s. Add high levels of testosterone, which strengthens and enlarges brain connections to the sex center, and a man’s sex drive becomes three to four times stronger than a woman’s. A woman’s sex drive ebbs and flows with her fluctuating hormone cycle; a man’s remains on high alert 24/7. Research shows that on average, women think of sex once a day. Men think of sex 60 times an hour or, in other words, every minute! A scientific study revealed that it doesn’t take much to trigger a sexual response in men. Several couples were shown an image of a man and woman talking; the men’s sex area of the brain immediately sparked as if the image were sexual. The women’s did not, as they simply saw the image as two people talking.
Men generally list sex as their number one need in marriage; for women, sex is typically number six, with talking/nonsexual affection being number one. For men, sex usually means love; for women, talking means love. The higher the stress level in a man’s life, the higher his desire for sex; for women it’s often the opposite: The more stressed they are, the less they want sex.
But do not despair, men, for women do want sex. What attracts a woman to a man? Scientists define men as chasers, women as choosers, which is evident in all of nature. The male of the species puts on elaborate shows to entice the female; she then chooses which she will accept. As with the female bower bird, which chooses the male that builds the best nest, women prefer men for the same reasons. Studies show that worldwide, women choose the same ideal qualities in a mate: 10,000 women from 37 cultures were more interested in material resources and social status than visual appeal. Universally, women want men who can provide, who will stick around, and who will protect; sexual attraction is secondary. They marry men who are on average 4 inches taller and 3½ years older, which usually means they are stronger and more established financially.
Women are also incredibly drawn or repelled by odors. Women have a much stronger sense of smell than men do, and it’s most heightened just before ovulation. A study was done on a group of women who were asked to inhale the male sweat pheromone called androstadienone. Tests revealed the women’s mood was brightened within six minutes and lasted for hours. Men were exposed to the pheromone as well; they did not detect it in any way.
The same worldwide study was done on 10,000 men to determine their choices for a mate and revealed that men choose a woman based on her physical attributes and that typically their choices had nothing to do with her social status or her financial one. In other words, men choose a mate based on sexual attraction first and foremost. The attributes they listed as most appealing were clear skin, bright eyes, full lips, shiny or pretty hair, and curves. The hourglass figure was deemed number one in all 37 cultures surveyed–large breasts, small waist, and round hips. Scientists attribute these traits as being appealing to men because of fertility, as shiny hair, full lips, and curves indicate high levels of estrogen, which means a woman will become pregnant more easily.
Not only is a man’s brain a major hub airport in the area of sex drive but also in its ability to complete the flight, or achieve orgasm. Women in this area reveal themselves to be slow prop planes compared to the jet speed of a man; it can take as much as 10 times longer and be 10 times more complicated for a woman to achieve orgasm than a man. The reason for this is, once again, found in the brain. For men, they require approximately three minutes of foreplay and enough blood flow to a certain appendage and they’re good to go. For women, foreplay is often 24 hours, and blood flow has nothing to do with it. After eight years of research, pharmaceutical companies have given up trying to find a pill to help a woman’s sex drive (i.e., the equivalent of Viagra for men). Such a pill just simply does not exist for women, because the problem, or the solution, lies in her brain.
For a woman to have an orgasm, she basically must choose to do so. The female genitals are directly connected to the pleasure center of the brain; if her amygdala (or worry center) is not completely deactivated, stress hormones kick in and interfere or “kill” the mood. A woman’s highly active brain circuits can inhibit her ability to relax; focusing is much easier for a man, as his brain is more compartmentalized than hers.
Memories of bad sexual experiences, smells, too much slobber, or even anger can get in the way. Worries about the kids, the house, work, and bills threaten to distract the female brain at any time and interrupt her “flight” to orgasm. Research shows that for a woman to climax, she simply must be able to shut down her fear and anxiety so all impulses can rush directly to the pleasure center of her brain. Women who are deeply in love and feel desired, worshipped (or adored), appreciated, and safe achieve orgasm easily and consistently. The room, and the man, must smell good, and she has to be comfortable and have warm feet.
So men, take a shower, wear cologne, light a candle, give your girl some socks, be nice all day long, and you’ll have an awesome sex life!
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
