Being married to a firefighter is an honor and a privilege. It is both rewarding and challenging. Firefighters are among the finest and bravest souls on the planet. Their courage is astounding, awe-inspiring, and admirable. I often wonder, as an anonymous U.S. military leader once did, “Dear God, where do we get such men? What loving God has provided, that each generation, afresh, there should arise new giants in the land. Were we to go but a single generation without such men, we should surely be both damned and doomed.”
Firefighters risk fiery death to save their countrymen; they strain to pull heavy victims from car wrecks; they hazard disease to treat the sick and the dying, and they do all this with a smile of satisfaction and a thrill in their hearts. They serve, they endeavor, and they sacrifice. Theirs is the noblest and most appealing of natures; they represent the best of humankind.
So why is it that these giants who walk among us, who deserve far greater rewards than they receive, have one of the highest divorce rates in the country? My dad once joked with me about this very subject saying, “Who could stay married to a dumb fireman?” (My father is only joking in this comment, having nothing but the highest regard for firefighters, and he is, himself, a war hero.) I was quick to reply, as I have researched this topic and know the statistics, that doctors, whom we all know to be highly intelligent and educated, share this same high divorce rate. Police share it as well, and our military exceeds it. So the highest divorce rates are among the four bravest groups that serve and save us all: firefighters, cops, soldiers and doctors. This breaks my heart; it is my wish, my goal, to help in this area, for I believe that these heroes deserve a happy home.
What is the common link between these four professions that may be affecting their marriages? They are all four exposed to either danger or trauma on a routine basis. The firefighter faces both; the job presents dangerous, life-threatening situations to their person and trauma to their psyche as they administer emergency medical care or witness tragedy. When people experience danger or life-threatening situations, they go into the “fight or flight” response, which triggers the release of massive amounts of the hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline into the body for strength and speed. During this response, the body burns all available sources of fuel (glucose) at an amazing rate. Afterward, the body is literally drained and exhausted and must shut down to recuperate. This is known as “backlash” and is often the condition in which your firefighter comes home. “Backlash” can leave your spouse too tired or too apathetic to participate in family life for a period of time.
Traumatic experiences can cause negative emotional reactions, many of which may also accompany your firefighter home. Research shows that “emotional transmission” is a natural occurrence among loved ones. Emotional transmission is the affecting or influencing of mood from one person to another.1 The closer the relationship, the stronger the transmission. In other words, the mood of your spouse often impacts your mood. If your spouse’s mood is negative, it can negatively impact your mood; conversely, a positive mood can affect a spouse positively. Research shows that if the emotional transmission within a relationship is more negative than positive, a divorce may result.
So what does this all mean for the firefighter’s marriage? I think herein lie the primary reasons for the high divorce rate: exhaustion or backlash from the adrenaline rushes firefighters experience from danger and the negative impact of trauma on their mood. Does this mean that firefighters can’t have a good marriage? Absolutely not! Mike and I have been very happily married going on 25 years now, and, interestingly enough, he has worked all four of the aforementioned careers, having served in the military, as a corrections officer, as a firefighter, and as an emergency medical technician throughout those 25 years. What is the key to our success? I believe it is primarily because of the following three things: communication, communication, and communication. Communication involves talking, listening, empathizing, and understanding. It includes affirmation and appreciation. In an article entitled “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A Spouse’s Role,” Firefighter Tom Kenney states, “I believe that she [his wife] had more to do with helping me back to a healthy state of mind than even the professional help of my doctor.” He goes on to explain how she gently asked questions about his traumatic experiences and listened with empathy and support. Kenney also states in the article that he’s noticed an ever increasing divorce rate among firefighters over the past 10 years. He believes this is largely due to the fact that firefighters are suppressing emotional trauma and turning to alcohol or drugs rather than turning to the healthy outlet of spousal support or professional counseling.
Your role as support is absolutely vital to a healthy relationship. Don’t ever underestimate your ability to help your firefighter cope with the stresses of his job. Your patience with his fatigue after a difficult shift and your efforts to lift his mood when he’s been traumatized can make all the difference. You are the best support system he’s got! Your efforts will not be in vain. Every career brings its own unique struggles to a relationship. Research shows that all successful couples have approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they will never resolve.2 Instead, successful couples learn how to manage disagreements and live life around them–to dance in spite of their differences. Wise couples know that to divorce and to remarry would simply mean exchanging ten old incompatibilities for ten new ones!
Learn to dance with your firefighter and your known incompatibilities; he’s worth it. You then become the hero behind the hero. Without your support, he cannot do what he does nearly as effectively. Society needs him. Without our giants of courage, we would all be both “damned and doomed.” Society needs him, and he needs you.
Endnotes
1. Roberts, Nicole A., and Robert Levenson, University of CA, Berkeley, “Impact of Job Stress and Exhaustion on Marital Interaction in Police Couples.” http://ist-socrates.berkeley.edu.
2. Sollee, Diane, “Divorce Predictor.” http://smartmarriages.org. 2010.
BIO: 
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
