By Anne Gagliano
Want to know the secret to a long-term relationship? Variety. Variety is the cure for a common marital problem—boredom. We all need a little excitement, something new to look forward to. Something different than the same old, same old. Seasons break up the monotony of weather. Everyone grows weary of heat day after day; that’s why the coolness of fall is so welcome. And who doesn’t love this time of year with its breathtaking splendor of color as green changes to vibrant orange and fiery red? Variety, change, spice.
Along with fall comes a seasonal event known as trick-or-treating. This childhood activity combines the thrill of funky costumes with a magical nighttime treasure hunt. How fun! But may I make this whimsical assertion: Trick-or-treating isn’t just for kids in October but for adults—all year long! By “trick,” yes, I do mean something sexual (but legal), and by “treat,” I mean goodies that both surprise and delight. Here are some fun trick- or-treat ideas for the firefighter marriage that will hopefully change things up a bit, just as the seasons do:
Trick: Advertisers will tell you this one simple truth when trying to sell a product: Packaging does matter. That is why they make the big bucks; they know how to capture the eye to make people buy. The same is true with desire; we’re all drawn to that which captures our attention, to that which pleases our senses. Seems a bit shallow, but it’s true. So try “repackaging” yourself once in a while to be more alluring. Instead of wearing the same old ratty but comfortable pajamas to bed, get a new shirt that’s fuzzy or see-through, tight or really loose. Men are visual creatures; it does matter what women wear. It doesn’t have to be trashy lingerie to excite, just something soft and nice and new (although there is something to be said for trashy lingerie). The firefighter has an automatic edge: Women love a man in uniform! Women also tend to be deeply affected by smell; try to smell good for her. Wear nice cologne; quality cologne on a clean man can drive a woman crazy! Dress up for good trick-or-treating.
Treat: Seems simple, but I love it when my firefighter brings me a treat. He often has to stop for coffee after a 24-hour shift just to stay awake for the long commute home. And when he does stop, he always gets me a “goodie.” He knows what I like: anything pumpkin–pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin pie (although you can’t get a pie at Starbuck’s). When he travels, he brings me chocolates or some other confection that is local to that region. It always means the world to me just to be “thought of,” like a sweetheart. My “sweetheart” likes rice crispy treats; the world is my oyster if I make him a batch. These thoughtful little gestures just let spouses know that you’re always thinking of them; that’s why they matter so much.
Trick: It doesn’t cost a thing but can be as thrilling as going to a fancy hotel. Try a different room in the house. This is hard to do with kids, but be creative—like waiting till late. Or for the firefighter with free days, the house is all yours while the kids are at school. Spontaneity in the kitchen adds spice. Or a planned date watching a favorite movie on that old bean bag chair, just like you once did before the kids. New environments can be just as exciting as new outfits; variety is the key.
Treat: We all like to “treat” ourselves once in a while by purchasing something not necessarily within the family budget. These purchases can lead to resentment if they are frivolous or not wanted by the other spouse. Mike and I have found the solution to the self- indulgent spending problem: have a “jar.” Each of us has a stash of extra cash that we save up for the “treats” we wish for. Whenever we earn extra money, a portion of that money is set aside for our “jars.” Mike likes to blow his fun money on anything rock-and-roll; I like designer purses and fancy frou-frous for the house. There is not only zero resentment with this system, as the money has been carefully set aside for such purposes, but there is mutual delight as well. I’m happy for him when he gets what he wants, and he’s happy for me. And the biggest treat of all is when we actually contribute to the other person’s jar; talk about delight!
Trick: The couple who plays together stays together; in the sex arena, that means make it fun and playful. Try a game—yes, an actual game to spice things up. For example, well, never mind examples. Thought of a few—but, as with trying to get Mike’s crew to come up with examples of gallows humor for a past column, none were appropriate to share with readers. Let’s just say there is a lot of fun to be had in the bedroom if you will use your imagination. Need I say more?
Treat: Treats aren’t just physical items; they can be actions as well. Do something nice for one another. I love it when Mike fixes something around the house without being asked. Mike loves it when I let him out of an obligation with no hassle. Whatever will surprise and delight—that’s the key.
Trick: Date night—it isn’t just dinner and a movie, although this is a good start. What really livens things up is to park afterward, just like you once did when dating was the highlight of your life. Make it so once again by revisiting that car!
Treat: This falls under “treat” as it is meant to be nonsexual. Just hearing the word makes us all relax, and that word is massage. A massage is a goodie you can give your spouse that will truly surprise and delight. Massage each other on a regular basis; there is nothing more enjoyable and soothing than the human touch. It’s better than chocolate and sweeter than rice crispy treats. And it’s much cheaper than rock concert tickets or designer purses. Take turns, set a timer, or make it last. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or exhausting; just find each other’s sore spots and work on those a bit. A loving massage re-sets the clock and helps you face a new day—together.
Never become complacent about the gift of marriage. If you do, you’ll begin to take it for granted. Avoid boredom and get out of that rut by having fun, changing the seasons—and go “trick or treating.” When you’re always looking for ways to surprise and delight your spouse, here’s the really cool part—it’ll come right back to you!
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
