By Anne Gagliano

In my last column, “Why Women Leave,” I reported that women file for divorce more often than men do. Statistics show that 66 to 90 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife, and she is most likely to do so before the age of 40. But men leave too. When a man files for divorce, he is most likely to do so after the age of 40. His age and his reasons for leaving are very different than hers. When surveyed, men seeking divorce listed the following statements as the top five reasons they were no longer satisfied with their wives:

1. She doesn’t make me laugh anymore; she’s no fun.

2. We don’t have enough sex, and what little we do have has become too routine.

3. She doesn’t put me first anymore; the kids are first.

4. She’s always nagging me.

5. She has let herself go; I no longer find her attractive.

 

Conversely, happily married men were asked to describe what they found most appealing about their wives and why they considered her to be an irresistible woman. The following are their top five answers:

1. She meets my need for sexual fulfillment.

2. She is my constant fun-time companion.

3. She makes an effort to stay fit, dress nice, and she wears her hair the way I like it.

4. She makes home a pleasant, comfortable place to be.

5. She’s my biggest fan.

 

Wow! Do you find the similarity between these two lists as amazing as I do?  It is apparent the reasons men leave and the reasons they stay are amazingly consistent. His top needs are either met or unmet; the key for women is to learn what those needs are and how to fulfill them (which is the case for both sexes really).

So let’s look at what men themselves have proclaimed an irresistible wife to be. The obvious, number-one quality is sexually satisfying. What does that mean exactly?  Surprisingly, the answer isn’t what you think; it’s not physical. Men declare satisfying sex as including this one essential ingredient: She enjoys it as much as I do. Women want to be made to feel desirable, and so do men. If he’s feeling like he’s not pleasing you, sex will not be satisfying to him.

Studies show that a husband describes his wife to be an “excellent sexual partner” when she is able to communicate her sexual needs to him. She explores and understands what brings out the best in her sexual experience and makes the effort to teach him how to accomplish this.

Men also love it when their wives initiate sex. They grow weary of “doing all the work.”  A planned date, a new outfit, or any small effort speaks volumes to a man and is greatly appreciated. Wives, cut back somewhere during your day to save some energy for the bedroom—it is sacrifice well spent, as men are most likely to want to “chat” after sex when they are full of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. She needs emotional, verbal connection (as was conveyed in my last column) and he needs physical connection; the two needs are met in the bedroom.

The number-two quality of the irresistible wife is fun. Men like to have fun. They like to laugh. This is especially true for firefighters, who work in a high-stress or often traumatic profession. Laughter is the best remedy for stress. Men report that they love it when their wife makes an effort to plan an activity that she knows he will enjoy and then chooses to participate in it as well. This can be as simple as a “guy movie” or as extravagant as a dream trip; any effort is appreciated.

The number-three quality of the irresistible wife is attractiveness. I know, this seems so shallow and even unfair, as we women can’t control the aging process. But if you will note, the word effort is used in this instance. Men will always find their wives attractive if they will simply make an attempt to remain so (if they are reasonable men, that is). Some men are simply narcissistic with unrealistic expectations and sadly will leave despite a woman’s best efforts. But for the average, moral man who really does value his wife, he simply wants her to not completely let herself go. To do so conveys an attitude of, “I’ve got you, so I don’t need to keep trying.”  Effort implies self-respect and pride, and this is the underlying attribute that men desire.

The number-four quality of the irresistible wife is pleasant. She is pleasant to be around and she therefore makes home a pleasant place to be. If you will note the reasons men leave, the number four reason was “She’s always nagging me.”  This is the antithesis of pleasant. Men don’t want to live with a taskmaster. With constant demand, criticism, and complaint. With chaotic, unruly children who dominate and come first (the number-three reason for leaving). The wise King Solomon put it this way, “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.” (Proverbs 17:1)  No one wants to come home to constant hassle. Men report that they desire to live with a wife who behaves as a “girlfriend,” not a “bossy mother.”  They also thrive in a peaceful home where they can actually get some work done, which frees up more time and a greater desire for family activities, which is what everyone ultimately wants.

The number-five quality of the irresistible wife is respect. “She’s my biggest fan”; she admires my achievements and constantly reminds me of them. In fact, she knows them better than I do. She makes me feel good about all that I have done and makes me believe I can do more. She praises my capabilities and spurs me on when I grow weary. This is what “biggest fans” do—cheer for you in the front row, center stage. Men say they need this from their wives to “feel safe,” as it lets them know she’s got his back and won’t betray his weaknesses to others. She overlooks his faults and won’t see them as a reason to leave. She is true, trustworthy, and loyal.

There is hope for any marriage, even ones that have become incompatible, inharmonious, and antagonistic. Husbands and wives, if your marriage is on the brink of divorce, if one of you wishes to leave, give it one more shot. Take the time to learn each other’s needs and strive to meet them; if you will do so, you will go from having become repellent to once again having an overpowering appeal, which is to be irresistible.

 

Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.