By Anne Gagliano
There are so many things in life that we simply cannot control: the economy, the weather, aging parents, busted pipes. Each and every day we never know what we’re going to get—what unexpected stressors lie in wait ready to strike. That’s life. For the firefighter who lives in a high-octane world going full-tilt boogie 24/7, these extra stressors threaten to push him over the edge, taking his loved ones with him. That’s why we must as firefighter families look at ways to back away from the edge, because statistics show we are highly at risk. There are things we can control, things we can do to give us a little extra breathing room. We looked at one of those ways in Part 1. Now let’s look at a few more.
3 Ways for the firefighter to Back Away from the Edge:
#2. Beware of harshness. Firefighting is tough business that requires incredible amounts of strength; courage; and, let’s face it, some pretty thick skin. Adrenaline supplies an extra amount of aggression, which is needed when facing danger. That aggression is essential when handling heavy equipment, when breaking down doors, and when having to work with other firefighters under duress. Politeness doesn’t work as a means of communicating when lives are on the line—direct, abrupt terseness does. No one takes offense at this; it’s all accepted in the heat of battle. Does abrupt, terse communication work on the fireground? Absolutely! Does it work at home? Absolutely not!
Trauma has its own repercussions as well. Anger is easier to work with than sorrow. So is humor. In fact, humor is the healthiest way to cope with horror, as it is not only harmless but is actually healing. Laughter is the best medicine for a wounded heart. Firefighters share a certain dark humor in the midst of trauma, which is known as “gallows humor.” Laughing at a tragic scene may seem inappropriate to the outsider; it is strictly an inside joke. Harsh jesting works in the firehouse and is a healthy coping mechanism. Outside the firehouse, it is simply harsh.
Aggression from adrenaline, anger or dark humor from trauma, combined with a third ingredient—sleep deprivation—are almost guaranteed to create harshness. Everyone gets grouchy when tired; this is normal. In fact, all of these behaviors are quite ordinary when dealing with extraordinary circumstances. Firefighter couples need to be aware of these realities and have coping strategies in place to protect intimacy, which is so easily shattered by harshness.
It is best to create your own plan, but here are some suggestions that my husband Mike and I use in our relationship. Refer back to Rule #1: Do not overcommit. The exhausted firefighter must have time to rest; this will help restore good humor. The amped-up firefighter must also allow time for exercise to burn off adrenaline that may be prompting overly aggressive responses in simple conversation. Adrenaline equals aggression—that’s a simple fact of nature, so get rid of it ASAP.
We have a few planned responses when Mike’s getting a little too harsh for me in conversation; I am, after all, a tender-hearted female and like to be treated as such. I simply say something like, “Hey, I’m not a firefighter,” which means, “Don’t speak to me like that.” He knows instantly that he has accidentally slipped into “firefighter mode” and apologizes; it’s not intentional. Sometimes he reverts back to his “other life”; I know he doesn’t mean any harm and I forgive; he knows I can’t help my sensitive nature and he must shift gears or risk offending me.
In handling trauma, firefighters must realize that it often causes anger. We spouses will pick up on this moodiness and can misinterpret it as something personal. We are not mind readers. Firefighters are chivalrous by nature; it is part of why they do what they do. Chivalry desires to protect, especially to protect a loved one. But in trying to protect your spouse from the ugly realities of your work, you often do the opposite–cause harm. I have told Mike it is better for me to “know” than to “not know” when he has witnessed something horrible. His irritability is very apparent though he believes he’s hiding it well. If he doesn’t tell me why, then I can begin to take it personally; I’m only human too. I don’t need to know all the gory details; I just need to know how he feels so as to not be offended by his behavior. And in knowing, I can offer comfort and support. We’re in this together, for better or worse.
Undealt-with harshness can push a firefighter family dangerously close to the edge. Simple communication can relieve the pressure, restore intimacy, and give your family breathing room.
#3. Keep your first family first. Firefighting is a team effort. Because of this, very tight bonds are formed. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Comradery builds strength, strength enhances effectiveness, and effectiveness creates a symmetry that saves lives. The closer the team, the better the results.
Firefighters are like-minded. They have a lot in common. Most are either athletic or outdoorsy or both. They play sports together. They hunt and fish together. They enjoy each other’s company.
Firefighters live together at the firehouse; they know each other’s habits, peculiarities, and weaknesses and take great pleasure in exploiting these. They prepare meals and fight over who does the dishes. They watch the same shows. And they even know who snores. Just like family.
Because of shared experiences in battle, firefighters often turn to each other for support. This too is a good thing; an experienced vet can help talk a probie off the ledge after a particularly traumatic run. Wisdom and experience provide excellent counseling
But this incredible comradery can become harmful to the firefighter family if it starts to dominate, to intrude, to replace. Firefighters can overcommit time off by spending too much time with their second family. In pursuit of fun, in pursuit of stress relief, and often in pursuit of a shared humor that isn’t working at home, the firefighter can begin to neglect his first family. This neglect leads to jealousy and jealousy leads to resentment. Resentment pushes the firefighter family ever closer to the edge.
An effective remedy for keeping both “families” intact is to bring them together. I sleep better at night for having gotten to know Mike’s incredible co-workers. I have no doubt that they would risk all to save him if he ever got into trouble at a fire. And because Mike tells me about his crew and shares with me all their incredible antics, I love them as much as he does. Blend the two families as best you can. Bring your wife and kids to the station often. Have firefighter family Christmas parties or camping trips. Invite them to fire conferences to see how cool they are. One of my favorite days at FDIC is Saturday, when many of the family members come to look at the exhibits. In particular, I love watching the families of our awesome volunteer firefighters enjoying the show. During this year’s conference, Mike caught a great moment with our buddy, Chief Bobby Halton, who also just happens to be the boss. The young daughter of one of the firefighter couples gave Bobby a New Testament. It was touching and amazing. Bobby was moved to tears and reciprocated the loving gesture by giving her his FDIC instructor coin, of which there is only one made with the number 1. The photo of this special moment accompanies this article. Even at the biggest fire show in the world, family is featured and valued and cherished.
There has to be balance between your two families. You can have both; you want both. But it can only be achieved by remembering this: Your spouse and your children must always come first. They should never be made to feel “second.” Show them that they are your number one priority by using your time wisely and by choosing your words carefully. This will give you, the firefighter, breathing room.
In my next column, I will address 3 ways for the firefighter spouse to back away from the edge.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
