By Anne Gagliano
We were once a youthful couple with the odds of lasting stacked greatly against us. We married very young, started out poor, and had kids right away. In addition to these typical reasons marriage fail, we went into professions with the highest divorce rates: military, law enforcement, firefighting, and emergency medicine. But here we are 29 years later and, against all odds, we’re still going strong. We know we can still fail, and we’ll never claim to have all the answers; but we have a few. Some of those answers can be found in this series. When we’ve gotten too close to the edge, we’ve done all that’s been listed in the past three columns as a firefighter and a firefighter spouse. But not to be overlooked are the children, as they can be the ultimate casualty of a failed firefighter marriage. And they, too, need a little breathing room.
3 Ways for the Firefighter’s Children to Back Away from the Edge
1. Don’t Overschedule the Kids. This is number one because it is probably the most common mistake modern-day parents make. Why do we do this—enroll our kids in every sport and every possible activity that comes down the pike? Fear. We do it out of fear–fear that our children will be left out, left behind, and cheated out of finding their one “special talent” that may someday launch them into superstardom. So we race here, there, and everywhere till the kids are ragged and we parents are frantic, running at a hectic pace that threatens to push the whole family over the edge.
Remember, firefighter family: You’re already statistically facing implosion because of the stresses of this profession (75 to 90 percent failure rate). We must take greater pains to prevent this than the average family, and one of the best ways to do so is not fill every free minute with activity. My husband Mike and I are now on the other side of raising kids; our boys are grown. In hindsight, we did something right when we realized we were overcommitting our children; we backed away. We began eliminating obligations. Our tendency was to “push,” as we are achievement-oriented people, but then we deliberately started not to, and we’re so glad we did.
This may sound a bit extreme, and perhaps it is, but during their elementary years, our children were voted “Most Likely to Miss School.” In fact, they were not only awarded this title, they inspired its creation! It is a dubious honor but one we chuckle at now. Were we negligent, irresponsible parents? Perhaps, but we did it because of Mike’s crazy schedule; he rarely had free weekends to spend with our kids. When they first started school, we found that entire weeks would go by without one single free day for us all to be together. So we improvised; we started “skipping school” to plan fun family days. Our children earned this privilege by being exceptional students. Family outings were so prized as to be an incentive for them to be ahead so that they could have some “breathing room” for days off. Our kids may not have turned out to be superstars, but they are emotionally secure, and we’re a close-knit family. They went on to college with scholarships and both graduated. Trust me; being a tight family is much more beneficial than being a busy one.
2. Beware of the Child-Dominant Home. This follows closely on the heels of overscheduling the kids as the two go hand-in-hand. If the children’s schedule is too hectic, couples can find themselves literally revolving around it, passing as ships in the night as they hand off the kids. Life is lived in a car as a single parent. You have a home; stay in it once in a while. Relax. Feed the kids dinner at the table, not in the back seat. Spend some time together as a couple. In your efforts to be the perfect parents, you can neglect the greatest gift you can give them: a healthy marriage.
In the child-dominant home, every resource ends up funneling to them. These resources can include every spare minute and every spare dime. This is a mistake. In trying to give your kids “everything,” you can rob them of what matters most—a mom and dad who are still in love.
Be a united front; the best parents are undivided. Couples are more easily divided if they’re never together. This takes time, time away from the children on occasion. Let the kids know that your marriage always comes first; don’t let them pit you against one another. This isn’t selfish—they will thank you for it in the long run, as ours have done on numerous occasions.
Save some energy for your marriage. If at the end of the day you are so spent as to not desire intimacy, you’re doing too much. If at the end of the day you have no time for dates, you’re not choosing your time wisely. And if at the end of the day you have zero dollars for dates or you’re working massive overtime to buy the latest and the greatest toys, remember this: Your kids don’t need every new gadget. They don’t need designer purses or clothes. They need you.
3. Let Kids Be Kids. If we’re scheduling every minute with structured, adult-led activities and if we’re putting them ahead of our spouse, we’re forgetting one important aspect of childhood: Kids just want to be kids. They need a little breathing room—from us.
The Atlantic magazine ran an interesting article on this topic in the May 2014 issue entitled “The Overprotected Kid,” by Hanna Rosin. In it she made several points with which I happen to agree; one is that we’re keeping our kids from learning necessary lessons out of unnecessary fear.
The best way for kids to learn how to handle themselves among their peers is through unsupervised play. They work things out, they learn teamwork, and they test boundaries that give them skills for survival. If everything they do is monitored and corrected by adults, this all can be lost, keeping them somewhat helpless forever.
In Mike’s and my efforts to not overschedule our kids and to not let them dominate our relationship, we did this instead: Ours became “the hangout” house. We shuttled kids to our home on a regular basis and let them just play. They entertained themselves without our constant involvement. There were occasional interventions (like the time they were about to tie cement blocks to their feet to see how deep they would sink into the lake), but for the most part they did as they pleased. Sometimes less is more; a little less adult time and a little more kid time will give the firefighter child breathing room—and room to grow.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
