By Anne Gagliano
Firefighters are incredible people; they represent the very best of humanity. Those willing to ride to the sound of the guns and risk all to save others—it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sadly, however, those that represent our better natures are divorcing at the highest rates. Statistics show that married firefighters have much lower rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) than unmarried firefighters. Family is essential to their well-being and ability to serve, yet firefighter families are going over the edge. In parts 1 and 2 of this series, I’ve looked at ways for the firefighter to leave some breathing room in his marriage. Now, I will address ways for the firefighter spouse to do so as well. Having been a firefighter’s wife for 29 years, I have a few ideas on this subject.
3 Ways for the Firefighter’s Spouse to Back Away from the Edge
1) Adaptability. It takes a very special kind of person to become a firefighter. In Seattle, we have a saying: “It’s harder to get into the Seattle Fire Department than it is to get into Harvard.” This saying is actually statistically accurate as measured by the applicant to admission/hire ratio. But, also statistically speaking, I would humbly submit that it’s just as challenging to become a successful firefighter spouse. It has been my experience and my observation that to survive being married to a firefighter, to have a little breathing room so as not to go over the edge, I’ve had to become extremely adaptable. In other words, I must be ready for anything—24/7.
I am, by nature, a controlling, orderly person who likes to have things “just so.” I like to plan, to have my schedule predetermined and set. But very quickly into my marriage, I learned control was something I could never achieve; it was either let go of control or let go of my firefighter. I chose to let go of control, and I have had no regrets.
His job is the absolute embodiment of chaos; he never knows from day to day what he’s going to encounter. Working in a big city—dealing with the most intense of human experiences—he has to adapt to survive. And because we are one flesh, I must do the same.
Our family plans sometimes must change on a dime; therefore, nothing should ever be set in stone. I suggest that you pick a few sacred cows (i.e., certain holidays) and fight for them, but allow everything else to be negotiable. Because of his high-octane life, my life has become the same as well, and I have found this to be a surprisingly good thing. “Roll with the flow” is ever so much more exciting than “same old, same old.” If a firefighter spouse can “adapt” her schedule easily, she will breathe easier than one who cannot. Being rigid and inflexible is almost certain to drive the firefighter spouse over the edge.
2) Re-entry time. “Re-entry time” isn’t something I learned from a book but from hands-on experience as a firefighter’s wife. Re-entry time is a handy tool for marriage in general, but it is especially helpful to the firefighter marriage because of the unique schedule and nature of the job. Re-entry time is simply allowing the returning spouse some “time” to enter the home without hassle or massive conversation. This can apply to either spouse of any profession, but for the returning firefighter, it is an extra special gift that will give your marriage lots of breathing room.
Harkening back to my nature, I like to talk—a lot; most women do. Studies show that men speak about 7,000 to 9,000 words a day; women—21,000. That’s almost three times as much! As a young wife, when my firefighter would return after 24 hours (or more), I would show my delight at seeing him by greeting him with a recounting of all that had happened in his absence—good or bad. He felt no desire to reciprocate the information, and I used to get offended by this. He was usually quiet and a little distant or even irritable. I assumed this meant he was not as glad to see me as I was him, and many fights ensued. But, over time, I came to understand that this was not the case, and I “adapted” by giving him what he needed most from me after a long shift—not conversation, but re-entry time.
Sleep deprivation, backlash, and trauma sometimes combined to make my firefighter rather tired and often completely drained. It was and is to this day a gift for both he and I to just “let him be” for a while. We’ve avoided many fights and, much to my delight, he is very grateful for the time to shift gears that later in the day he reciprocates by giving me what I need—long conversations with lots of details. We don’t always get it right; sometimes I still fail to give him his space, and sometimes he fails to give me enough attention, but that’s the nature of marriage. We do, however, keep re-entry time in our marital tool box; it has proven to be a good one.
3) Encouragement. I am fortunate that my husband’s nature is quite positive. He is a high-energy, upbeat kind-of-guy with lots of passion and enthusiasm for life. I’ve been all across the country, even to Australia, and everywhere I go I have found this to be true of almost every firefighter I’ve met. They are typically confident, capable, and caring; that’s almost a job requirement. They give and serve and rescue with incredible courage and with an almost cavalier, devil-may-care attitude. Amazing and fearless—I love ‘em!
But I also know what a toll this job can take on a firefighter because I live with one. Yes, his nature is positive, and yes he is inherently brave, but he does, on occasion, battle depression. Depression just means “gets a little down” and it can happen to even the strongest of people. And it is no wonder. Firefighters see some pretty grisly things; they clean up societies’ messes all the time. They keep chaos from ruining us all, and they do so for not the highest of wages. They give and give and give and ask very little in return.
This is where the gift of encouragement comes in; it is one that will help keep the firefighter marriage from going over the edge. Encouragement simply means “to give courage to,” and who needs it more than a firefighter? They need it more but ask for it less. Studies show that a human being can endure incredible amounts of trauma and stress if they have just one person in his or her life with whom to share. That is why married firefighters avoid PTSD more than unmarried ones do—because of spousal support.
Firefighter spouse—don’t ever underestimate your worth; you are vital! My firefighter loves it when I “tell him the good stuff” or cheer him up. It doesn’t take much effort, and it doesn’t cost a thing, but it is invaluable to a firefighter’s health. In lifting him, I also lift myself; his nature is restored, and he gives and gives back again. The result is lots of breathing room for the extra stresses in life!
In my next column, I’ll address the kids; they, too, need some breathing room!
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
