By Anne Gagliano
I’m taking a little literary and personal license to paraphrase my husband and his cohorts’ book, “Air Management for the Fire Service,” simply because I find the parallels amusing. In it, they use these exact terms: “need,” “mandate,” “solution,” to argue their case for the importance of air management within the fire service. I’m going to do the same to argue the importance of sex within a marriage in this third and final column (for now at least) on the subject.
The Need
In my first article this topic, “Do You Need Sex Like Air and Water?” I made it abundantly clear what men “need” most from marriage, and that was, of course, sex. Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., however, points out in his book, “His Needs, Her Needs,” that sex alone is not adequate; “A man cannot achieve sexual fulfillment in his marriage unless his wife is sexually fulfilled as well…men need sex more than women, (but) unless a woman joins her husband in the sexual experience, his need for sex remains unmet.” In other words, a wife does her husband no favors by just grudgingly acquiescing to his desires; he truly wants her to desire him in return to be satisfied completely.
For a woman to do so, she must first feel an emotional connection through her husband’s outward gestures of affection. If a husband understands his wife’s deep need for tenderness and affection and romance, and he gives these things to her on a regular basis, he will have the keys to her arousal.
Dr. Harley adds that therein lies the problem for many of the couples he ends up counseling, as the “… typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection.”
The Mandate
The health benefits of sex within marriage are astounding. These I chronicled in “Sex and Firefighters: Both Save Lives.” A mandate is an order–a command–something that is required to accomplish the mission. If you want to have a strong, intimate marriage that fulfills you emotionally and strengthens you physically, you must have a good sex life! These are your marching orders as a wedded couple; love-making must be a regular part of your relationship if it is to be truly successful.
The Solution
We know the need. We know the mandate. But what is the solution? How do we make this happen? Having a passionate love life is much more easily said than done, as many factors can get in the way. For one thing, men and women are technically sexually incompatible. Men are aroused quickly and visually; women must mentally decide to be aroused based on their feelings. Men and women are very different creatures who sometimes have trouble connecting. I love how G.K. Chesterton describes these dissimilarities:
“The differences between a man and a woman are at best so obstinate and exasperating that they practically cannot be got over unless there is an atmosphere of exaggerated tenderness and mutual interest. To put the matter in one metaphor, the sexes are two stubborn pieces of iron; if they are to be welded together, it must be while they are red-hot. Every woman has to find out that her husband is a selfish beast, because every man is a selfish beast by the standard of a woman. But let her find out the best while they are both still in the story of ‘Beauty and the Beast.’ Every man has to find out that his wife is cross–that is to say, sensitive to the point of madness; for every woman is mad by the masculine standard. But let him find out that she is mad while her madness is more worth considering than anyone else’s sanity.”
Men and woman are indeed distinct and opposite in so many ways, but that is precisely what draws us to each other in the first place–that certain unknowability that makes us eternally curious. Finding the keys to each other’s heart is the ongoing quest of marriage. If the task of intimacy has become clouded or difficult, and gaps have arisen as a result, the solution to distance begins with understanding and appreciating different libidos.
I once heard Dr. Phil refer to men and women as microwaves and crock-pots. Intrigued, I listened to his explanation of this analogy. Sexually, he explained, men are like microwaves; they’re “hot and ready” very quickly, fast cookers. The male sex drive is typically that powerful, literally raring to go within minutes. Husbands sometimes have difficulty understanding why it is not the same for women. The truth of the matter is, women are typically more like a crock-pot, or “slow cookers.” Women stew all day, and depending on the ingredients placed within the “pot,” they may or may not be prepared for a tasty meal that night. If affection is constant, the crock-pot will be cooking 24/7. If it’s not, it may be unplugged and cold. Some major no-nos for crock-pot cooking are alcohol abuse and pornography addiction; these will unplug the crock-pot every time.
Women do not like to be treated like one of the guys; kind words and gestures are our currency. Men like passionate sex, and lots of it; this is their currency. Wives must understand this. If a wife will make the effort to be a sexual dynamo, her husband will feel genuine (not token) affection for her and this will be evident in his actions. And on the flip side, a husband must understand this; if he will make the effort to say and do sweet things for his wife all day long, he will unleash a thrilling, involved lover at night.
If things have become a little distant in your marriage, step into the breech, be the hero, and try to fill in the gaps. Some effort is better than no effort. Even if your attempts seem awkward at first, keep at it; with time your actions will become more natural. Making love is a privilege, a special event, and should be viewed as such. It must be a priority. Make every effort to keep your love life alive and well. Buy flowers. Light a candle. Play some old rock tunes from your days of necking in the car. Lock the door so the kids don’t interrupt. Set aside time–make a date!
Try going to a hotel. Plan your interludes, look forward to them. With the firefighter schedule, daytimes are free, so have a little afternoon delight! Husbands, we women love unsolicited help around the house–consider it foreplay. Wives, if you’re not “feeling” sexy, get over yourself; I can assure you that there is no such thing as a perfect body–even the women in magazines are airbrushed and are more plastic than real, and they’ve certainly never had babies! Studies show that when a man does have an affair, 90 percent of the time it is with a woman less attractive than his own wife. He sought the affair because the “lover” passionately seduced him and made him feel desired. It’s not about looks. Be your own husband’s affair! To lighten-up and shift the mood, give each other a 15-minute neck and back rub; this raises oxytocin levels, the hormone that triggers bonding, and is a great way to set the stage for intimacy.
There is no such thing as “free love.” Love requires sacrifice. Be unselfish and meet each others’ deepest needs, and you will have a passionate love-affair that will last a lifetime. It is, after all, our greatest reason to live.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
