By Anne Gagliano
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Photo by Mike Heaton, Seattle (WA) Fire Department. |
My husband Mike casually tells me of his acts of heroism with hardly a hint of the dramatic. “Yeah,” he’ll say, “I delivered a baby today,” or, “Went to a stabbing—guy had a steak knife in his neck,” or “Did CPR in a grocery store, guy died on aisle 5,” or “Had a small fire today, no big deal.”
My jaw drops in wonder or horror, my eyes bulge with emotion—and he barely raises an eyebrow. So much courage, so much strength; I stand humbly in awe. If I were to do what he does, I’d be a quivering lump of gelatin. At the very least, I’d cry a lot or wet my pants–but not him.
This job does, however, take its toll on Mike, and it exhibits itself in his moods. He does, quite frankly, get really down sometimes. Although he seems upbeat and positive to others, to me he shows his true feelings. Because of the draining nature of the job, firefighters need lots of encouragement; they need it more but ask for it less. It’s up to us spouses to make sure they get it—and plenty of it.
Everywhere Mike goes, people want something from him. At work, he gives all he’s got to the community. As a captain, he leads and sacrifices himself for the good of his station and crew, going above and beyond time and time again for them. He does paperwork well into the night while the other firefighters rest. On the side, he travels and teaches firefighters all across the country. While he’s flying, people (fellow plane passengers) literally collapse at his feet; he then spends his flight time taking care of them. (Longer flights tend to cause health issues for some reason.) He rarely passes by a broken-down driver on the side of the road. He’s been a leader at church, giving and teaching there as well. He once even performed life-saving CPR on a church member during a committee meeting that he was leading!
At home it’s the same. He gives me all I need. He’s there for our boys, and has been all along. He sacrifices his free time for us, bypassing hobbies to make room for all he’s called to do. He literally pours himself out for others, 24/7. I have no doubt that this is a common tale, for firefighters everywhere are the same; it is in their nature to give.
What does my firefighter need to keep going? Quite frankly, all he really needs is encouragement. Will he ask others for it? Never; but he asks me for it—he needs it—and this I give to him gladly, for I feel it’s the least I can do. Mike loves it when I tell him “the good stuff.” “Tell me the good stuff,” he’ll say, especially when we lay awake at night talking quietly in the dark. I have a list. I keep it on the ready with fresh updates. I begin with our marriage, since it is our top priority. I say how wonderful it is that we found each other and how delightful it is that we are still best friends after 26 years. Next are the children; I list all their positive qualities and point out their potential. All parents spend a lot of time and emotion worrying about their kids; their needs and weaknesses can be overwhelming and even heartbreaking at times. That’s why it’s refreshing to remember all the good in them; Mike loves to hear that “They’ll be all right…they’ll make it in this world.”
The house is third on “the list.” I point out how blessed we are to even have one. Many people in this world do not. It’s cozy, clean, and comfortable. It’s a home, a place in which we’ve made countless happy memories. Houses, especially ours, have lots of flaws and need lots of upkeep. Focusing on the positive reminds us both to be grateful and content and to not worry so much about the next big fix.
Extended family, country, health, achievements, and our faith; I point out all that is good with these. Our bodies aren’t perfect—we know we need to lose weight and exercise, always—but sometimes it’s nice to just be grateful for the moment that our hearts are still beating and our lungs are still breathing. Families always have issues, but I remind Mike of the joy we’ve had with them all. I point out that we still live in a free country—the best the world has ever seen. And I remind him that God is in charge, not him, so relax.
Then last, but not least, I tell him how proud I am of him, how awesome his job is, and how much I believe in his calling to be a firefighter. People all over this country try and try to get this job and fail, but not my husband! His career is exciting, challenging, rewarding, and vital. Sure, he doesn’t get paid as much as say a banker or a businessman—but his role in society is invaluable; without him, others couldn’t do what they do! And he loves his job, while others despise theirs. I admire and respect him and tell him so with all my heart. He gets more satisfaction from my appreciation than from paychecks; most firefighters do.
Dr. Willard Harley writes in his book His Needs, Her Needs that men list admiration and encouragement as one of their top five needs from their wives. “A man needs his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan; he draws confidence from her support and can usually achieve far more with her encouragement.”
An environment of carping and criticism, he goes on to write, is actually dangerous to a man’s mental health. The converse is also true: Men simply thrive in an atmosphere of praise and support. Encouragement brings out potential and sparks genius. Honest admiration from a spouse, for both genders, motivates and rewards. It staves off depression and feelings of hopelessness that can occur when dealing with life and death. Without emotional support, a firefighter’s confidence, which is the major source of their success, erodes and eventually crumbles.
To encourage means to “give courage to; to cheer on, inspire, restore, praise, console, revitalize, reassure, and strengthen.” Can you think of anyone more deserving of these things than a self-sacrificing firefighter? I can’t.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
