By Anne Gagliano
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Mike and I at a ’50s dorm party in 1984.
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What was it that made us fall in love? It was a million tiny little things that added up to one great big conclusion: We were meant to be together. I remember all our firsts: our first long conversation, our first walk along the dyke (a waterway near the campus), our first dance, our first kiss. The emotions are still clear and strong and powerful in my memory, the excitement of falling in love. There’s nothing else quite like it.
We’ve built a life together out of that love. Our history continued, as husband and wife, into a lifetime of firsts: our first jobs, our first place, the day we became parents, our myriad of holidays and vacations. All of these are recorded in the story of us–the day we bought our dream house, the day both of our children graduated from college: These two monumental occasions we achieved together through years of teamwork and sacrifice. We’ve done it together; we’ve been a witness to each other’s lives. Our inside jokes, our private moments, our shared dreams and visions–this is who we’ve become as a couple. Even the losses, the disappointments, the failures, and the broken dreams we’ve shared. And we’ve suffered together as we’ve watched the ravages of time age and take from us our loved ones and our own youth. The goods, the bads, the ups, the downs–this is our story, our history, our life.
If you don’t know where you’ve been, you can’t know where you’re going. History. History grounds us and gives us direction and purpose. It helps us to set goals and to achieve those goals. And, most of all, it gives us an appreciation for what we have because we remember all that it took to get it.
At a class Mike recently took, the professor made this galling statement in a derisive, condescending tone: “America has no real culture, no real history; everything America is was borrowed from someone else.” Obviously, this was not a history professor. To say this, one would have to be ignorant of all that our founding fathers risked to create this great country, the world’s first truly successful democracy. One would have to forget the fact that all of the signers of the Declaration of Independence suffered mightily; they were hunted by the British, bankrupted, and many were even killed, along with their entire families. One would have to forget George Washington, the man that turned down a crown so that America could have elected, short-term leaders, not life-long monarchs. And one would have to turn a blind eye to the sacrifice of our nation’s soldiers who died to give us our freedoms and to preserve them to this day.
No knowledge of history leads to a lack of patriotism, or loyalty. Even Josef Stalin, the maniacal communist dictator, the man responsible for murdering millions of his own people, recognized this truth about the importance of history: “America is like a healthy body and its resistance is threefold: its patriotism, its morality, and its spiritual life. If we can undermine these three areas, America will collapse from within.”
How do you destroy America? One way is to undermine patriotism. How do you undermine patriotism? Stop teaching or forget American history. Americans will forget who they are and stop loving their nation enough to fight for her, no matter the cost. The same is true in a marriage: If you allow the busyness of life to cloud the memories of who you are and why you love each other, it, too, can be destroyed.
Stop a moment and remember your past. All that you fell in love with is still there in that person. You chose each other, you made a life-long commitment to love each other above all others; this is no small thing!
When we get to know new couples, I always like to ask them how they met. People’s eyes light up when they tell their love stories. Spouses finish each other’s sentences and fill in missing details as they reminisce. These memories trigger something–they bring a softer tone to the voice and a twinkle to the eye. The old spark is rekindled once again.
Life holds many temptations. There will always be something or someone new that can distract or take us away from each other. There will always be someone younger, more attractive, or more successful than you or your spouse who catches the eye, stirs the imagination, or offers mystery. But with the memory of your beginnings planted firmly in your mind, your love will stand the test of time. It will not fail, even when temptations or trials come that threaten to tear you apart.
I think Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 says this more eloquently than I could ever hope to:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring barque (ship),
Whose worth’s unknown although his height be taken (measuring by the stars)
Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. (End of the world)
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I always run my column ideas past Mike for two reasons: one, to see if he likes them and won’t be too humiliated by them; and two, to see if he “gets it.” Sometimes we can have ideas that are clear in our own minds but are confusing to others. I asked him if he understood that in this column I was trying to say remember who you are and when you started as a couple. To remember why you fell in love and in doing this you will appreciate each other more now, even when life can dim your view or get in the way. Remembering your history helps you resist when temptations come along, to be faithful to the one who’s been at your side all this time.
“Do you get it?” I asked him, “Does it make sense?”
“Yeah, Sweetie, I get it,” Mike answered with a wink and a smile. “You’re basically saying, ‘Dance with who brung ya.’ ”
I love firefighters.
BIO: Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
