By Anne Gagliano
Of all the things that could cause the demise of your marriage, did you ever imagine that it might be money? We tend to think that only the obvious landmines, like infidelity, are the ones to worry about when getting married. When you were a young, passionate, star-crossed lover, it was easy to vow “till death do us part.” It was romantic to pledge to forsake all others and noble to promise to be there when sickness comes and health fades.
Newlyweds, however, tend to just gloss over the “for richer or poorer” part, for these words seem almost mercenary, somehow ignoble, on a wedding day! Love is, after all, a heart issue–not a superficial, materialistic one. Money can’t buy you love! That’s why it’s surprising, ironic, and even a bit shocking to find out later in life that money issues are considered to be the second highest cause for divorce in this country. Communication problems are generally listed as the main reason for problems, but some studies suggest that money is a bigger issue. When two people become “one flesh,” all that they are, including their monetary habits, are now shared. Spenders can marry savers; interests and values can collide, and these collisions can be quite volatile. It is true, money can’t buy you love, but it sure can cause you a lot of grief!
In this column, I’m not going to tell you how you should or shouldn’t spend your money. I’m not going to give you tips on wise investments or ways to save; we already have an expert on this Web site for that advice, Diana Palmieri, and she is far more qualified than I am to guide you. My husband Mike and I are not rich, so you probably wouldn’t want my advice in that arena anyway. I can, however, share with you the attitudes or philosophies we have developed over the years that have made money a nonissue in our marriage. Mike and I rarely, if ever, fight over money anymore. I will share with you the philosophies that we have found through experience and through research to be the healthiest ones to have within a marriage.
Philosophy #1: It’s Not “Your Money” or “My Money,” It’s “Our Money”
Mike and I believe that this is the number one, primary attitude married couples should have toward money. We have always had one, joint bank account, and whoever makes what, it all goes into the same pot. If couples remain “separate” in this area, it is easier to view it as “mine” and “yours.” Viewing it as “ours” is tougher to do when it is indeed divided. When it comes to paying household expenses that are shared, resentments can arise over who should pay what if the money is considered separate. You are one household, one family, one couple; your expenses should also be viewed as one. Statistics show that the most successful couples are indeed united in this front. The “yours and mine” attitude can more easily lead to secret spending, mismanagement, and eventually mistrust.
It is, of course, necessary to assign the managing of the one account to one person. This doesn’t negate the “our money” philosophy. This task should be given to the spouse better suited to handle it. In our household, that person is me. Mike is the primary breadwinner, but he’s terrible with details. I “handle” the money, but I do not “control” it. Mike makes most of the money, but he has never once, in our 25-year marriage, referred to it as “his.” So disinterested is he in the details of our money that he doesn’t even know how much his paychecks are. He turns it all over to me and trusts me with the results. It is “ours,” plain and simple.
Philosophy #2: All Money Problems Should Be Faced Together
When financial problems arise, they should always be viewed as “our problem,” not “your problem.” Casting stones, blaming, and belligerence only exacerbate the situation. All money problems should be faced together, and the sooner the better, for they can quickly escalate. Because I handle the money in our family, I have to tell Mike when there is a problem. Keeping it to myself isn’t going to solve anything. He doesn’t always want to hear it, but he has to. I cannot always handle the issues alone, nor does Mike expect me to. Our finances affect us both, so we both have to be involved.
When difficulties arise, we work it out–together. We brainstorm, strategize, and find ways to solve the problem by communicating, not fighting. We figure out where we’re overspending and decide how to rein it in, to stop the hemorrhaging. We’ve always tried to view our financial struggles as part of the great adventure of life, because one way or another, they will always come. They’re not the end of the world. Try to keep it light, have hope. As G.K. Chesterton put it, “An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered….” Tackling the money mountains of life is doable; you can achieve great things together!
Philosophy #3: Bigger Purchases Must Always Be Agreed On
The larger expenditures, such as houses, cars, and vacations, should always be a joint venture. They need to be 100 percent agreed on and well-planned. If they are not, one spouse can quickly become resentful of the purchase. Where’s the fun in that? Your bigger investments are supposed to be exciting, to be a source of joy and accomplishment that you achieve as a team, not separately. We only get a few of the “biggies” in life, so make them count. If you do it together, you will truly cherish it forever.
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In Part 2 of this column, I will continue with the rest of our financial philosophy dos and don’ts. They include Financial Infidelity, Tit for Tat Spending, Should Mom Stay Home? and Controlling Leads to Loss of Control.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 25 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
