By Anne Gagliano
All couples fight. Fighting is simply part of the human condition, for we are, unfortunately, selfish creatures at heart. We deeply want to have things our own way, so when we decide to live with someone else who is, in fact, just as selfish as we are, conflicts can and do result. What do couples fight about? 700 marriage counselors were asked this question, and these were their top answers: communication breakdown, loss of shared goals or interests, sexual incompatibility, money, kids, having no fun anymore, infidelity, alcohol or drug abuse, and in-laws. My husband Mike and I fight too, but we have, as all happily married and successful couples have done over the years, learned to “fight fair,” and this is how we do it:
1) We view each other with a deep level of respect. Mike and I value each other and believe our worth, before God, is completely equal. Our opinions, though different, carry the same importance. Without respect for one another, couples simply cannot fight fair; they will instead cling to and demand their rights above all else with a sense of superior entitlement. To live as a couple, you must transcend your own selfish desires or you will never be able to truly listen to your spouse when you argue; you’ll only insist they listen to you.
2) We don’t let our fights escalate. This is tough, especially when emotions are involved, but it is essential to control your feelings and not let them rage out of control. Discuss issues with dignity; don’t let your “fight” become a shouting match, for then it will spiral into an all-out mudslinging wrestling match, with no one the victor. When you lose control, you tend to say things you don’t really mean, things you’ll regret later; we know this from experience. Keep it cool, keep it calm, and if you can’t, then walk away and try again later. A little fight can quickly escalate into a big one, which is often not intended. And it’s really bad for the kids if they see and hear you shout, so be grown-ups and don’t scare the little ones. Remember, your partner is not the enemy—don’t attack as if he is.
3) We’re honest but not brutally honest. Truth and honesty are essential to a healthy marriage, for it builds trust. How can you effectively resolve conflict if you don’t believe a word your spouse says? A house built on false words and lies creates a foundation of fantasies on which no home can stand for long. So be honest, speak the truth, don’t exaggerate or manipulate the facts, and you’ll have less to fight about. But in the midst of an argument, do not be brutally honest; sometimes it’s best not to say what you really think, for in that moment of anger, you might be thinking something really mean. Truth is good; honest correction spoken in love can really help; but harsh truth should be kept out of marriage altogether, for it only comes across as criticism which is nothing but destructive. We give a lot of power to our spouse as we trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings; remember this when you speak to one another and don’t use your power to harm, just because you can. Keep it real, keep it honest, but be gentle—always gentle.
4) We stay in the present. Again, this is a tough one, as the longer we live together, the more history we share. When we fight, we’ve learned it’s best to simply stay in the moment and to not bring up the past. We can’t undo old grievances, so we quit bringing them up. Make current arguments about one issue only; don’t lump several altogether. This is better accomplished when you address things as you go instead of letting them build to the point of explosion, catching your spouse completely off guard. For example, you didn’t take out the garbage a few days ago and I’m still mad about that as well as the fact that you just said something I don’t like, so now you’re getting both barrels instead of just one. Either let them know or let it go.
5) We’ve learned that compromise is a really good thing. Marriage is not a power struggle; one partner is not better or stronger than the other. One does not have to win so that the other must lose. There is a “win-win” solution, and we’ve learned to seek it above all other outcomes. This is accomplished by acknowledging the fact that on many things we will never completely see eye to eye, as we view life through different lenses. Every couple has at least 10 areas of incompatibility; this is just the reality of living with the opposite sex. In these areas, you simply have to find a compromise—a truce—a common ground. Consider both sides of the issue and come to some sort of mutual agreement so that no one has to “lose.”
6) We have veto jurisdictions. My jurisdiction is the kitchen and pretty much most of the house. If issues arise in these areas, I have final say. I will consider suggestions if they are given without criticism; otherwise, if you don’t like how I do it, then do it yourself. Mike’s jurisdictions are his firehouse, his man cave, and most of the garage (i.e., household projects involving tools). He, too, will take suggestions under advisement, but ultimately he gets to do his work his way and in his time. We don’t tell each other how to do things; we help if needed, stay out of the way if it’s preferred, and understand that our votes can be vetoed.
7) We apologize and forgive. When our arguments are done, when all the details have been hashed out, heard, and fully understood, we apologize and mean it. Fake apologies don’t appease—sincere ones do. When we receive that sincere apology, we accept it with grace—for it is a gift. An apology says you can admit when you’re wrong and humbly accept correction. When someone has the courage to apologize, it’s time to forgive—to let it go forever, lest it come up again in a future fight.
“If pride and prejudice were set aside, most difficulties could be resolved in 5 minutes.” – Unknown
Learn to fight fair with voluntary submission, willing sacrifice, generous sharing, and humble acquiescence, and your marriage will not only survive tensions but will grow and mature into a strong, unbreakable bond that will last a lifetime.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
