By Anne Gagliano
The many characteristics it takes to be a successful fireman are, ironically, the same characteristics it takes to be a successful fireman’s wife. I’ve been a fireman’s wife for more than half of my life now, and there are many things I have learned I have to be to keep up with this highly intense, highly demanding, and highly rewarding profession that my husband is a part of.
A fireman’s wife must be easygoing. I learned a long time ago that I had to give up control if I was going to survive as a fireman’s wife. Control is in direct contrast with the firefighter’s schedule and daily routines; he never knows what he’s going to get at work; thus, hence, and therefore, I never know what I’m going to get when he comes home. Exhaustion, trauma, exhilaration, or a combination of all three—he could be in just about any condition when he walks through the door. My plans can change on a dime, and I have to be okay with that. “Roll with the flow” has become our motto out of necessity; being rigid, inflexible, and unadaptable works for neither the fireman or his wife.
A fireman’s wife must have a sense of humor. Firemen face trauma in all of its forms. They cope by finding humor. Some of this humor is a bit dark, even off-color, and this is known as “gallows humor.” Firehouse humor runs rampant for this very reason, for laughter is stress relief in its healthiest form. Again, some of this firehouse humor can be a bit off-color as well, even juvenile. If a wife can’t see the joy in some of the pranks and laugh at the same jokes (or at least most of them), she will struggle to respect her fireman. I’ve heard some pretty silly, goofy, and outrageous stories in my time, but I’ve learned to appreciate them for what they are. I can’t share these stories at tea parties or bridal showers with the girls, but I can laugh heartily at them in private with my fireman. A fireman’s wife must learn how to be both a “lady” and “one of the guys” at the same time.
A fireman’s wife must be self-confident. It takes a very strong person to risk all to save others. Firemen exude strength, both inside and out, and this makes people feel better on their darkest, weakest days. It takes confidence to be a fireman, and it takes a confident woman to live with one. If a fireman’s wife is timid and insecure, a shrinking violet, she will be completely overwhelmed by this world of danger, aggression, chaos, and never-ending need. The community demands a lot of its firemen–their time, their dedication, and even on occasion their soul. I often have to share my husband with those I feel don’t deserve him; the weight of many expectations rests on his shoulders. As a fireman’s wife, I’ve learned I have to be just as strong as he is to keep up with him. My strength often helps him to know when to say “yes” to the demands of others and also when to say “no.” With enough self-confidence, a fireman’s wife can give her husband lots of room to serve others without feeling left behind, for she knows he will always return to her at the end of the day.
A fireman’s wife must be resourceful. Firemen often have to perform tasks for which there is neither a protocol nor even a proper tool. Firemen’s wives often have to do the same–for example, attend to household needs typically performed by men. Sometimes things have to be fixed right now, fixes Mike usually handles. Occasionally he’s not available because of overtime, exhaustion, or even injury; therefore, I have to figure out what needs to be done, literally learning how to do it on the fly. And because his schedule is erratic and often changes with little notice, I have to find solutions to various problems on my own. A fireman’s wife must also often act as both mother and “father” to her children when dad has to work extended shifts, as she can’t just say, “Wait til your father gets home,” if he’s not going to be home for days!
A fireman’s wife must be brave. True bravery isn’t an absence of fear; it is, rather, not allowing your fears to dominate. Of course firemen are brave, but their wives must be as well. A fireman’s wife has to face being alone at night, and this requires courage. Women, by nature, tend to be a little spooky—maybe it’s because we are often the prey of evil men. Scary “bumps in the night” may or may not mean a prowler. We not only have to conquer our own fears of sleeping alone, but we have to suppress our anxieties in front of our children as well. It’s not healthy for them to witness Mom’s jitters, as they, too, can become nervous. We must instead put on a brave face if our children are to sleep peacefully at night. A fireman’s wife must exhibit her own form of courage and reassure her husband that she’s okay so that he can better perform at work without worrying excessively about his wife and kids at home.
A fireman’s wife must have faith. Faith, or hope, is a necessary quality for both the fireman and the fireman’s wife. Both must have faith that life is worth saving, that community service is a worthy and noble calling. Both must have faith that the fireman, with the aid of his crew, can do his job. And both must have faith that he will come home safely each day. Without it, the firefighter family would, quite simply, be destroyed by crippling anxiety. Without hope that all will be well, I could not endure the many nights without my husband. Without hope, I would be an absolute nervous wreck. The fireman’s wife has to believe that the sun will rise, that her love will come home to her, or the darkness of impending loss would overshadow all her joy.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
