By Anne Gagliano
My husband Mike and I are surrounded by a jungle of green; a continuous melody of bird calls and bug songs serenades us while we feast on sumptuous mud crab. We hear geckos chirp threats to one another as they stake out their hunting turf on the ceiling overhead. We are dining at the Paperbark Restaurant in the Kewarra Beach Resort, nestled between rainforest and beach in Cairns, Australia. It is idyllic, romantic, exotic, and only minutes from the Great Barrier Reef, which is one of the Seven Wonders of the World. The jungle sights and sounds, the tropical heat, and the fragrance of flowers are intoxicating, erotic—talk about the ultimate date!
But every date can’t be spent in such incredible locations. Who but the superrich could afford such perpetual luxuries? We average folk get to do such things rarely in our lifetime, if ever. So instead we must settle for the average, everyday dates to such destinations as “dinner and a movie,” maybe some live music, a little dancing on occasion. Most often, however, the average married date simply consists of delivered pizza and a DVD at home. But even a pizza and a DVD can set the stage for the best night ever if you want it to. The key to making a date special is not the destination but the mood, the setup, the anticipation. It’s how you treat each other; it’s how you feel when you’re together that makes an evening magical—and this can happen anytime, anyplace. The ordinary becomes extraordinary with just a little bit of effort, and here are some tips to make that happen:
1) Set a time and place. Any night can be date night if you simply plan it to be so. Talk about it that morning—arrange it for that night. Anticipate it all day, and the mood will grow. You don’t even have to leave the house, and this is nice for those with children. Simply put them to bed, snuggle up on the couch, and begin by watching a movie—minus the theater. A time set aside makes something more official, like it did when you were actually dating, and this can still happen when you’re married.
2) Dress up. One of the fun elements of a date is dressing for it. Change out of those frumpy sweats and oversized T-shirts and put something presentable on, something you’d actually wear in public. Of course you do this when you go out, but why not do it at home? Mike and I call it “setting the table,” for who wants to dine at a messy, grubby table? Whether going out or staying in, wear something that is appealing to your partner, something you know they like—even if it’s just for a little while.
3) Hold the door and hold hands. It may sound corny, especially when you’ve been married as long as we have, but I love it when Mike holds the car door for me. It makes me feel like a real lady, like a woman he’s still courting, still trying to impress. This simple gesture turns any outing into a date because it’s respectful, attentive. And holding hands is somehow erotic; don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s because there are so many nerve endings in our fingertips. Maybe it’s because my small hands get lost in his bigger, stronger ones. Or maybe it’s because hand holding is a sign of affection, of belonging, of being together. You can hold hands at home on the couch during a movie—you don’t have to be out in public. Hands are the beginning of intimacy, so use them.
4) Really look at each other. Whether dining at a place like Kewarra or at home, take the time to gaze into each other’s eyes over a meal; this can turn any dinner into a date. See each other—note the eye color, the curve of the face, the sweep of the hair. Those aspects you found so appealing when you first met are still all there if you choose to look. We all just want to be seen, for this makes us feel attractive. There’s nothing more powerful than a little eye contact—it’s quite direct, intimate, communicative. Drink your partner in with your eyes and you’ll both feel the temperature rise (a little romantic rhyme).
5) Really talk to each other. At a place like Kewarra, dinner conversation flows beautifully. We plan, we dream, we reminisce. We laugh; we become suddenly very profound and clever. This type of communication is what turns dinner into a date, and this can happen at home as well as in paradise. Listen to one another; ask probing questions, show that you care what the other has to say—remember, like you did before you got married? If you’re watching a DVD at home, talk about the movie the same way you would if you had spent the extra money to see it in a theater. True conversation makes any evening more intimate and memorable and takes it from mundane to unforgettable.
6) Make out. This may be an odd thing to tell married couples to do, but if you really want to have a fun date, the kind you did when you were single, then you have to “make out.” I’m not talking about just kissing; I’m talking about passionate, focused kissing—necking. Married people often forget to kiss; they tend to simply settle for the perfunctory goodbye peck or the proper hello-peck-in-front-of-the-children-type kisses. Have some fun—pretend you’re not married and make out like you once did in the car; but even better, it’s okay to go “all the way” now because you are, in fact, married! Play something that makes you feel young again; all Mike or I have to do is watch a movie from the 1980s with all the big hair, shoulder pads, and cheesy soundtracks, and it “takes me right back, when you were young.” (Roxy, “If There Is Something.”) You were young lovers once who couldn’t keep your hands off each other; be so again by taking the time to actually kiss like you mean it. A real kiss will make it a date.
Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 27 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.
